28.06.42.12

2012-02-01T13:35:00.000-08:00

I am back in town. Oh, and I love you. That is all.

2012-01-28T01:17:00.000-08:00

*At The End Of The Day*

Everyone else got their "getting drunk and stupid" phase out of their system during high school. I never did, so I guess I'm doing it now.
I'm just glad it's in good company.

It's so nice tonight, I think I'll sleep.
That is, if I can get rid of the bed spins.

2012-01-26T01:58:00.000-08:00

If you choose to pull the trigger
-Should your drama prove sincere-
Do it somewhere far away from here

---

So I'm here in Wisconsin with my friend Fox.
Today starts my second week at "Gunner's Bar and Girls" as Denali.
The job's coming along exceptionally well; I'm significantly more comfortable with it than I ever thought I'd be. I'm not making horrible money, either, considering everything has been snowed in for the past few days and last week's high only reached 8 degrees or so.
They also have spinning poles here instead of stationary ones, which is a new experience in its own.
In the time here so far I have:
Learned a few new tricks.
Fallen down some stairs.
Gone ice fishing.
Smoked some of the most awesome pot ever.
And got to hang out with someone I haven't seen in over two years.
How this weekend goes will determine whether we will be staying here for another week. Otherwise, we'll cut our losses and head back, possibly stopping by another club on the way.

In the meantime, my car is just kinda hangin' out on the side of I-75 at the 302 mile marker sign. We tried to take it for the trip first, but it blew the ball bearing in my tensioner pulley near Cartersville.
We hadn't left the state, so we were able to manage another vehicle (Courtesy of Fox's mom).
Good thing I have someone picking mine up and the part doesn't cost a fuckton to fix.
Otherwise, the trip up went smoothly. Getting out of Georgia is always the hardest part; it's almost like something is determined to keep me there. Ugh.
Thinking about going back actually makes me a little unhappy.
There are only a few reasons I'd ever want to go back and stay, and I can count them on one hand and have fingers left. Not to mention, I can't tell if some of those things are mutual, so maybe I have no reasons. I wonder sometimes.

I'm hoping that this will be the way that I get out and about. The experience has been pretty positive so far, so maybe my perspectives will begin to look that way, too.

2012-01-16T22:46:00.000-08:00

This is how an angel cries
I blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my A.D.D. baby

I keep being told that I've changed.
Yet nothing has.
No changes in my appearance, no change in habits, no change in personality.
Only my location and my occupation have changed.
I still keep an eye out. I still watch everything that anyone important writes.
Just because I don't have my own personal commentary on it doesn't mean it hasn't registered or been acknowledged.
(Like this: I know you see what I write, but nothing is ever said. It doesn't cause my belief in that to waver any.)
You're still seeing me; I only look different because I'm farther away.
I'm sorry I have things I have to do if I don't want to end up in some dead-end job or unhappy with my life at 30 to the extent that I off myself. I already want to do it enough now.
I'm sorry for having a life that doesn't revolve around everyone else's.
I'm sorry that my purpose on this planet isn't to be what everyone else wants me to be.
I'm sorry I can't be everywhere else at once, or -more specifically- where you want me to be.
And even saying that, this isn't for anyone specific. This is enough to get under my skin because it's coming from everywhere.
It should be known by now that I'm not the type to just forget people. I hold grudges too well to not have better memory.
It just makes me sad because it becomes clearer over time that it isn't as apparent as I would have hoped.
I'm just fucking sad anyway.
I'm leaving for Wisconsin in less than 8 hours with a car that's in questionable shape to go to a job I have no idea whether I'm going to be able to do or not.
I'm fucking scared, too. Terrified.
And these things, along with the nightmares I've been having, are the reassurance I'm leaving with.
If this isn't a test of will, I don't want to see what would be.

2012-01-16T00:42:00.000-08:00

---

I worry about things.
Like you not being able to really love me anymore because of the amount of hurt I've brought you.
Even if it isn't true, it's how it feels.
It's how things look to me.
I think that's why I've been having nightmares.

Worst part is that I don't really have a right to complain; I did it to myself.

2012-01-08T13:47:00.000-08:00

"It's an amalgamation of the things
You aren't;
The way you wish you were
A split second perceiving of
The way you really look to every one of them
I wish that you could see because
The look on your face was priceless"

I like how 90% of the females on your friend's list aren't over 23 (Actually, most of them have just graduated from highschool.) and you're almost 30.
I agree that age shouldn't be a factor in attraction, but I believe that here, it plays a role in the fact that you can't draw in anyone who has had any more experience.
You have to resort to preying on those who don't know any better, or the naive. How nice.
And now that I think about it, the faces are constantly changing, so it looks like it isn't taking much time for them to catch on.
Oh, and as for that other 10%?
They're married, family, or are older than dirt.

I don't feel so sorry for myself anymore. I can always just look at your personal life for five seconds and be content with that fact that -no matter how shitty things may be- at least I'm not you.

2011-12-20T03:44:00.000-08:00

I guess you're right; too much gravity is placed in nostalgi Some things will never be the same.

2011-11-15T18:55:00.000-08:00

---

Go ahead and keep lying;
I love how you seem to think I'm an idiot.

Fuck you. Seriously.

2011-11-06T21:26:00.000-08:00

When I look into your eyes, there's nothing left to see. Nothing but my own mistakes staring back at me. I hate being able to see how obviously wrong things are just by the look on your face. I hate myself for being in this situation. So, so much.

2011-11-01T22:55:00.000-07:00

I will not miss being here. I will not miss anything that I don't already when I'm. Standing. Right. Here. It felt as though I'd been wrenched from death's grasp; I could have cried for days.

2011-11-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

I miss you a lot sometimes.

2011-10-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

Needless to say, I don't like where this is going one bit.

2011-10-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

I Fly Like Paper Get High Like Planes --- I've been thinking about suicide a lot lately. I'm not sure if I should sit back and wait to see if it'll pass, or actually seek help. Self-medication and my cats are my best friends right now.

2011-08-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

---

I Don't Wanna Talk To You Anymore
I'm Afraid Of What I Might Say
I Bite My Tongue Every Time You Come Around
Cause Blood In My Mouth
Beats Blood On The Ground

There are so many things I want to say:
"Liar!"
"I fucking hate you!"
"Go away!"
"Suffer!"

But all at once, in a great, cacophonous outburst that would shatter the bones of whoever hears it. But there is no singular method of expulsion that could even begin to phase the Titans of hate, anger, and misery I'm holding captive in my chest right now.

I don't have the strength to keep doing this.

2011-07-25T19:15:00.001-07:00

You Don't Like Me
You Just Want The Attention.

I started my tattoo apprenticeship today. I really didn't get much done, but I learned how to clean tubes.
I'm still nervous as shit and I feel like my first impression was mediocre at best. Oh, well. There's still tomorrow.

As for life at "home," I am unsure what to think in general.
I have so many questions, but I don't have the place to ask.

I've noticed that I have not had the desire to eat. For days. Going on two weeks now.
Although I'm excited by the prospects of finally losing weight, I am fairly concerned that this habit may lead to a larger problem. Like a disorder.
If I lose more than 30 pounds, I'm going to a hospital.

2011-07-22T00:17:00.000-07:00

---

"Changes Come; Keep Your Dignity. Take The High Road, Take It Like A Man."

Things have finally begun to fall into place. Now that I've made that statement, watch everything go to hell in a hatbag. Quick.
But to be honest, I'm okay with that because at least things seem nice now.
There has been so much change.

I decided against going into the military. Being jerked around for two years gave me enough time to shake myself into clarity and begin doing the things I was designed to do.

I got an apprenticeship for tattooing.

I got a call from my grendad a good while back, and he was angry that I hadn't kept in touch. Not only that, but he was even more upset with me that I'd all but given up on pursuing my art.
He's fading away to Alzheimer's, but he still has his moments of commanding lucidity: When I told him no after being asked if I'd drawn or painted any time in the distant past, he simply told me, "You need to stop that shit. You don't need to give up, and you shouldn't put that pencil down. Pick it up and get back to what you were doing. There's something in that; your art is going to be how you get out."
Something somewhere clicked, and so I'm following his advice.

I've started smoking again, and through that I've begun to find that it offers a sweet calm that I haven't experienced since I was too young to truly appreciate it. I like to go out on drives to places where I've established extensive memories at random hours of the morning to recall all of the moments that have gotten me to where I am now. I always bring Becca with me, and it just makes everything seem so complete. It's often the only time we really get to connect anymore between the hours when I'm not scattering to run some errand or work, but it's fulfilling beyond words.

Where I'm living now has a strange familiarity to it. I stay with a couple of guys I met only two months ago, and yet I already feel like a functioning part of a household. Friday and Hecate are with me, which is an enormous comfort in its own.

I know too well from experience that things do not always stay peaceful, but I have a feeling that for once, they're going in the direction they should be.

"You are probably the only person that I would be okay with murdering me. I feel that you would do me justice."

2011-06-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

Baby Can I Be The Rabbit In Your Hat? I'd Swing If You'd Give Me, Give Me The Bat. I have a lot of questions for myself; none of them of which I'm inclined to answer anytime soon.

2011-04-17T23:47:00.000-07:00

---

How We Choose The Framing Of The Scene
Hate Begins To Spill Across The Screen
Blinding Light Illuminates The Scene
Try To Fill The Spaces In Between

Everything is going as planned, yet nothing is where it needs to be and nothing feels right.
My enlistment has finally taken a positive turn, while everything has finally fallen apart at the seams.
I honestly think sometimes that the only reason I even got to where I needed to be was because of stress alone, and not any real result of my efforts.

I don't know if my relationship's ever going to be quite right; I don't know if that isn't just how it feels because of current circumstance.
I feel unfulfilled in my own house, my own endeavors, everything.
I feel unstable, insecure. In everything.
I feel surrounded by my own shortcomings and all of the things I can't change, and I'm beginning to hate my choices and everything connected to them.

I also feel like, in more ways than none, that I am losing control of even myself.
I punched someone in the face for the first time two days ago.
I can't control my anger.
I can't even think clearly half the time anymore.

It's all becoming one big clusterfuck of inner failure.

And for some reason, despite knowing that in six months -give or take- none of it will matter, I can't seem to shake the feeling that somewhere along the way, I lost track of something inexplicably important.

I guess I'll figure all of that out when it's too late to matter, as always.

2011-03-08T11:19:00.000-08:00

I can only hope that -in time- you will begin to realize how pathetic and utterly stupid you`ve been acting.
Then again, considering you`ve been given this much time without change, you probably never will.

As for me: I am learning. And I am forever being propelled by an infinite supply of burning anger and regret. If by no other means, I will always be moved forward with that compulsion.
I am learning. There is no better motive -and nothing more constant- than misery.

2011-03-03T14:46:00.000-08:00

I hate everything right now:
Myself, my life, almost everyone around me, and the way I feel all the time anymore.
I`m tired of talking because it`s getting me nowhere. I`m already going in that direction, so what`s the fucking point?

2011-01-09T16:51:00.001-08:00

---

Testing.

2011-01-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

---

"Wave Goodbye
To What You Were
The Rules Have Changed
The Lines Begin To Blur."

-Nine Inch Nails, "With Teeth"

The involuntary separation from those around me goes to show that -with even more clarity than before- I need to move forward.
...As if there hadn't been enough flag popping up everywhere.
Things have been telling me lately that if I stick around, I am going to die in this town. Only now, the warning signs are making themselves blatantly clear:
Outside forces literally threatening my person, my inability to help/connect with others, and the ever growing capacity to not want to.
I'm being slowly split open and pinned down like a dissection subject for all the world's sharp objects and infection to invade.

The wrong audience may find this as an indirect point of a finger in their direction.
What needs to be known is that no one person is responsible for the changes taking place.
No one, including myself, is ever quite that important; it is as a whole that these things happen.

I refuse to become a human wasteland.

2011-01-09T02:59:00.000-08:00

---

"Right Where It Belongs"
-Nine Inch Nails

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?

See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside your heart

And it's all
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?

If you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself,
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your Gods,
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?

Well you can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
Keep on looking but you can't find the woods
Are you hiding in the trees?

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?

And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

2011-01-06T23:56:00.000-08:00

------

"Autumn Indicates The Death Of Beauty As We Know."
- 10 Years, "The Autumn Effect"

I know I have said a lot of things, and I have a way of holding onto my anger and remorse over the years, but in the end all I really want is for you to be happy.
It is all I have ever wanted for you from the beginning.

2011-01-04T18:00:00.000-08:00

-----

"The Taste Of Absent Minded Actions Outweigh Forgiveness"
-10 Years, "Paralyzing Kings"

I don't even know exactly where to begin.
I suppose it could start with the phone call I got this morning:

Me: "Hello?"
Mom: "Hey, are you going to work?"
Me: "Not quite; I just woke up and I'm getting ready. What's up?"
Mom: "Well, I wanted to talk to you."
Me: "Okay."
Mom: "I know you and ---------- have been talking lately."
Me: "...Okay."
Mom: "Well, she's really worried about your brother being up here in -------- for his new job and their being so far apart."
Me: "...Okay."
Mom: "Am I holding you up? I know you're probably on your way to work..."
Me: "No, I'm getting dressed. Go ahead."
Mom: "Well, from what I know, you've said some things that have gotten her all freaked out. She's worried because you've told her he's pretty much going to do her like he's done all those other girls now that he's up here."
Me: "I never said that."
Mom: "Okay, well I didn't think that really sounded like you anyway. I was just calling to make sure."
Me: "...Okay."
Mom: "They're engaged. You know ---------'s the only girl for your brother. That's why I'm trying to get her up here with him, too. They need to be together."
Me: "...Okay."
Mom: "Well, I'll let you go; I know you're on you're on your way to work..."

(Considering I was half a-fucking-sleep, I can't say that's verbatim, but I can say that the above is the closest to replicating the conversation as I can get.)

First of all, I'd like to thank you for being so concerned with gossip that you didn't hear me the first two times when I told you that I was not on my way to work yet and had no problem talking to you.
However I do have a problem with you calling me to start shit before it's even happened or been clarified. On top of me having only been awake for ten minutes to do it? You of all people would know that's not a good idea if information is what you're trying to get out of me.
Now, onto the more upsetting nuances of this conversation:
What do you mean when you chose the words, "going to do her like he's done all those other girls?"
Are you saying you know about the things he's done in his past relationships? Do you truly?
And if that's the case, why the fuck would you defend someone for that? Lying? Cheating? Manipulating? Is that really okay?
And no, I didn't tell --------- that he was going to fuck her over, so you were right in saying it didn't sound like me (the fact that you had to ask me anyway is upsetting in itself). I didn't have to tell her anything, because he's already fucked up. More than once.

How do you even think the subject came into being? She had mentioned the problems they had been having with their relationships a while back. It kinda came out of nowhere, which leads me to believe she'd been wanting to talk to someone about it for some time.
She went into painful detail about incidents where he had cheated on her and lied about it. Lied about it even when she had proof. Incidents where she had confronted him with it and he turned it on her to make her feel guilty about it, or just yelled at her about it because he was "tired of it being brought up."

I don't know about you, but that behavior sounds sickeningly familiar to me. Raymond? Keith, maybe?

I suppose you could say I fortified her suspicion and influenced her potential decision because I went on to elaborate on the events in which I had been mistreated as well.

The frame of time in which I was driven to nearly destroying myself several times because of his actions; his intentional torture in effort to gain the acceptance and allegiance of Scott. How, when Keith abandoned us, I felt he blamed me fully and resented me for it.
How he'd made me feel worthless through his willingness to annihilate me for something as perennial as someone's approval in more than one instance.
How, even after acknowledging what has taken place, he still has a want to communicate with Terry.

I discussed how, throughout our lives, he has developed a penchant for projecting his rejections and hurt onto anything similar or inadvertently related to them: His emotional traumas from relationships past projected onto future ones resulting in a lack of trust, suspicion, and infidelity;
the deterioration of friendships and people's worth projected onto drugs like pot because the people who had wronged him in the past had been under their influence, making him vindictive and willing to alienate people for that reason alone. (Going to the extent to tell ---------- that if he had to take her to rehab, he was going to leave her.)
And further to discuss how, through his trials and tribulations, he has not become a more humble and empathetic individual, but instead has become arrogant and self-righteous in his belief that -because he had survived such events- he is better than others.

The worst part is that -through these discussions- I began to notice that ------------ was identifying with the things I was saying. I didn't really need to elaborate much else because I was only crystallizing her own observations.

I want it to be known NOW that if she does decide to depart from the relationship, it is not by my influence alone, or much at all for that matter. When she came to me, she had made the statement that leaving had been a consideration of hers for a while. She is a human being who is more than capable of coming to her own conclusions and making her own decisions. I have not held a gun to her head -metaphorically or otherwise- and told her to leave my brother at any point.

However, I get the feeling that even with this explanation I will be on the receiving end of an immeasurable amount of anger and possibly hatred if it comes to that. I've already come to terms with that because I've been through it before, although I still don't think it would hurt any less.

But in this particular circumstance, I have to at least ask this:
Don't you think that, when the only thing you can be angry about or hate me for is telling the truth, it's about time to change your actions? Your truths?

I really, really don't want to endure you hating me again. You have no idea how shocked I was to know that I had recently gained your respect, finally had your approval because it was all I had ever wanted from the beginning.
Now that I have that, it's probably about to be crushed and I'm terrified. But I find myself returning to the same question:
If you have not, in fact, changed, is it even worth it anyway?

God, I hope you prove me wrong.

2010-12-20T05:49:00.000-08:00

---

Fuck you. Keep your gifts; just leave me alone.

2010-12-19T20:34:00.000-08:00

---

I've come to realize that desperation is highly unattractive. And it's bleeding into me, seeping under my skin and making me sick.
I'm feeling your pressure weighing down on me, suffocating and generating enough hate now to scald my own lungs.

I don't understand how the venom of realization set in so fast, but I can't even stand to have you within arm's distance for very long anymore.
I would apologize, because this blow won't be coming any slower for you, but then again I would think it's better this way. Besides, it's not like you deserve the cushioning.

2010-12-14T04:54:00.000-08:00

Oh, shit.
What have I done?

2010-12-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

I'm a bad person.
It all boils down to that, really.
I enjoy bending things, people, and time to their respective breaking points.
Because essentially, in that way, I am doing it to myself: It seems to be the only way I can express my own self-destruction outwardly.
Despite being aware, I can't seem to stop.

The malice, the pain; I like it too much.

2010-12-03T16:39:00.000-08:00

Keeping friends close; enemies closer...

I hope you finally come out with it, because if you don't you're causing more problems for yourself (I'm not helping you out, either. Honesty or not.).
Everyone else seems surprised and just a little upset. I'm not; I saw this coming from miles away.
All I can say is that I'm a little disappointed. I would have wanted to give you more credit than that.
I guess it's a good thing I didn't.

Either way, I hope she rides your ass for all you're worth and then destroys you.

2010-11-25T04:51:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I'm being used.

But that's okay; the most dangerous creatures are those who are afraid of everything.

2010-11-02T14:52:00.000-07:00

I`m sorry. I don`t know what`s wrong with me sometimes.

I wish I did.

And I wish I knew how make you feel better without the necessity of intoxication.

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other..."

2010-10-30T13:10:00.000-07:00

Fighting violent mood swings; fighting myself.
Your body language tells me you don't care, or you're disinterested. I feel like I'm literally being pushed away.
If you're unhappy, fucking say it already so I can dust another failure under the rug and go on to screw up someone else's life.
I'm hating myself so much it's making me sick. And I'm beginning to see that it's contagious.

2010-08-10T22:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't see why I don't just shoot everyone down when I'm invited to gatherings of any kind. They always make me feel sick and want to hide.

I don't have much of a family left. What seems to be left over from rolling around in the wake of fuck-ups, bad choices, and disappointment is not really anything I want much to do with.
This always comes into stinging focus when I have to see everyone at once.

My mom:
She was my best friend, but the older I get the more I realize she's just a teenager trapped in an aging woman's body. Married since the age of seventeen, she was never given the opportunity to really grow up and realize what her life should have been like or to even learn how to respect herself.
The more time passes, it is magnified for me that she's still only trying to run away from her problems. I realize how little she understands the world anymore, and how disappointed I am to see her with a new guy latched on to her every week now that dad's finally gone. She doesn't seem to realize there's more to life than dependence. I guess if I look at it that way though, she's not really running; it's more like she's trying to drown herself with the weight of any waste she can find.

My only sibling:
He seems to have cut himself off in a way. He always seems to be tired and never satisfied. With life, with people, with me.
Push me? Tell me what I need to do with my life and my time? I'm doing the best I can with the time I've been given. I worked off the thirty pounds you never had to worry about. I have already met my goal and have my future planned. I have my shit together. Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than yourself, you would know.
And so what if you make more money than I do? So what if you have a larger apartment and more friends? We're both in the same rat cage; so does it really matter whose is fancier?

My dad:
Well, there isn't much to say. Enough of my life was wasted and ruined because of him, so if I don't have to expend any more I'll be better off.

As for the rest of my blood:
I was never really close to any of them to begin with, so life's not much different doing without.

As for friends, acquaintances, exes, and much else:
For one, don't try to contact me when you know good and well I want NOTHING to do with you. You're going out of your way to make an ass of yourself and get ignored.
Second, I can't help but wonder why I seem to make the most hypocritical human beings out of the people I lose touch with.
For example, for someone who not only knows the effects of alcohol abuse but was once so against it you sure do seem to like hitting the bottle. I would ask if it was something I said or did, but I know for a fact that it isn't. No one is holding a gun to your head and telling you to drown. You're doing it to yourself and it's stupid. Do you really expect it to make things better for you or make your suffering any shorter? If there was ever a chance for anyone to have enough sympathy to try and help you, you've pissed it away. Fucking up is what got you here, so OBVIOUSLY fucking up more is what's going to get you out, right?

There's also that special someone who used to point out how conceited everyone else was and how trashy your sister/preppy kids/underage mall rats were. Guess where you are now? In the bowels of the mall at all times, searching for "cute" clothes that don't fit you anymore and trying to get your hands on any piece of jailbait garbage you can fool into thinking you're a decent human being. Your personality sucks so hard now that you have to resort to it because anything over the age of sixteen with an IQ higher than that of a jar of mayonnaise can see straight through you. But you're just oh so hot and the coolest person ever and everyone loves you, hm?

Those of you who like to try giving me advice on things you understand NOTHING about:
Go live through about 15 years of hell and then we'll talk, okay?

And finally, possibly the worst of them all:
The one person who stuck by my side for the longest only to turn on me like a rabid dog for hurting your feelings before I would lie to you. Thanks for showing me that even the most sincere effort can still result in a kick in the face and the creation of a super-ego with a library of sex partners tripling that of anyone else I know. But you so have the room to tell people I'M a slut and backstabber? Okay, whatever helps you sleep at night. Enjoy jumping states collecting STDs.

Anyway, I'm done. I just haven't had a good bout of anger in a while, so I thought it would be best to do so before I committed arson or something similar.
On to more positive things! Like groceries!

2010-07-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm being hidden from:
I show you everything, but I see less and less.
I'm so tired.
I'm so angry.
I feel like an garbage; worthless and stupid.
I feel like nothing I do is good enough for anything anyone anymore. Even myself.
I feel like you don't trust me.
I'm beginning to hate myself.
And it's not just sometimes anymore.

Sometimes I really wish I could just do a fuck-ton of drugs and see if I wake up, or if anyone would miss me if I didn't. But I can't because I have so much to work towards.
Military.
Money.
...and indirectly, solitude.

I think no matter what I choose to do, I will always end up doing it alone. It's no one's fault but mine.
I wouldn't stay around me if I had a choice, either. My entire family and anyone I've even been close to has gotten tired and walked away, so what's stopping you?

2010-06-10T02:59:00.000-07:00

Who's not saying things to people's faces now?

I'M a bitch? HAH.

You of all people should know how much of one I can be.

While we're calling things like we see them, I think I'll just throw a few descriptive nouns and adjectives out there for you:

I think you're a narcissistic, horribly hypocritical, cowardly, manipulative, fickle little parasite that has only proven why I have wanted NOTHING to do with you for all this time.

With that said, you can fuck off. Go crawl back up the ass of your "best friend" where you belong.

2010-05-24T03:52:00.000-07:00

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I have surpassed you by such lengths that there is no hope for you to catch up to me.

They always say that the best kind of revenge is to live happy and achieve greatness. I'm working on doing just that, and oh, I have yet to even BEGIN dishing it out.

Buckle up, fuckers. It will come sooner than you think.

2010-05-21T14:49:00.000-07:00

Fuck everything. I give up.

2010-05-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting every day, but who gives a shit? No one reads this anyway.

I'm alone right now and I'd like to say I hate everything.

In truth, I don't feel much at all.

Maybe that's why things don't feel genuine anymore.

Maybe it's my fault.

Or maybe it's just because I'm menstral right now and have lost my marbles.

Either way, the one thing I'm sure of is the emptiness.

2010-05-11T22:02:00.000-07:00

Work went by surprisingly fast today.

I made a rather... frightening disovery which will only be discussed later if it becomes a problem.

I need to touch up my hair tonight. I've been meaning to for two weeks now and I finally have the time.

After that, I'm gonna slice up some necromorphs and call it a day.

2010-05-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

Apparently I have anger issues.

I would have never known.

Oh, by the way, I hope they tell you everything.

You deserve to know.

2010-05-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

Nothing in particular to rage on. I suppose that means this is working as a form of therapy, either that or no one managed to do anything too horribly stupid.

Either way, "You know it was a good day if you didn't hit or bite anyone."

Just figured I'd post anyway to help me get into the routine of doing this every day.

2010-05-08T23:31:00.000-07:00

Conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited conceited.

That's all you are, and it's exactly what you've become. You only have yourself to blame. The fact that you try so hard to deny it is what I find hilarious.

I hope you fucking rot.

2010-05-08T02:41:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to meeeee...

It's been a bit of a clusterfuck for me today, my birthday. Enough of one that I think I have decided to start keeping a blog again. I suppose keeping a physical, paper diary would probably suit me as well, but the thought of possibly having an audience to witness my obscenities towards everything seems like it would be more satisfying.
You, you, you, and most of all, you; I hate you all.
Figured I should just say that before I get started again.

Things always seem to have a way of creeping back up on me when I least expect it. Actually, I can't say that. Some part of me has been expecting it. I've been having sensations in my sleep again. I would say dreams, but they're more of a visual thing; what I've been having are more like... subconscious fights with people from my past.
Regardless, things are difficult no matter how I try to describe them.

At the same time, due to my horrifically self-destructive nature, I want to watch. I know what you're planning; both of you. Honestly, fate does seem to carry with it a sick sense of humor because you are two of the only human beings I would ever wish upon one another. I can kind of understand how it's working the way it is, though; she's just like your little ghost you just couldn't seem to exorcise yourself from. I can see how you'd get suckered in so easily; the two of your are perfect for one another.

I would say it's a little like history repeating itself, but to even entertain that notion would be boring; I hope it's worse for you in the end than anything you've previously dealt with. For what you did to me, it would be the least to ask for.

I honestly don't understand why it still makes me as mad as it does just to come across your name. Even reading it is like chewing tinfoil. It must be because all you are is a big, sore reminder of my wasted time and stupidity for believing in someone who, in the end, was so selfish, worthless, and such a fucking hypocrite. So I suppose I'm kicking myself because I feel like I've made the same mistakes my mom did. At least I was smart enough to sever the line before there was ever a ring involved.
I hope you're getting in over your head, I really do.

2010-02-05T02:01:00.001-08:00

Although we've ceased to exist, are you still watching?
I kinda hate you, you know. Only kinda.
You destroyed me. You should be proud.
I would like my book back, by the way.
And I'm just so insulted that you deleted me from your already short list of friends.
Congratulations. Now I know how it feels, right?
I don't think you'd use laughable as your description, but I would.
For it to be so unreasonable and childish, you seem quick to mimic my moves.
Doppelganger. Always have been, luring people in with everything they want you to be and only attempting to smother them after they realize they've been lied to.
And your ego. I suppose even though you've caused yourself to lose everything else, you still have that.
We'll see how good it is at keeping you company.

2009-02-02T21:00:00.000-08:00

Eternity

I wish you could see
Just how the winds
The time
Can sweep away
Simplest wishes

I wish you could see
How the forgotten past
Scorned
Comes to swallow you

And the eyes that watch
With gentle patience
The turn of change
In wordless sorrow

The name without repose
And how it still echoes
Through the ears
Of the dreaming

2008-09-17T21:24:00.000-07:00

The Only Way
Is All The Way.

A bit of late night conversation with my brother.
Epic lulz were had.

Bl1nd says:
:(
Bl1nd says:
Susan was swinging
Bl1nd says:
And swung a little too high
Bl1nd says:
And fell off
Bl1nd says:
Susan has no arms
28:06:42:12 says:
Hah, that doesn't even rhyme
Bl1nd says:
How many penguins does it take to cover a dog house?
Bl1nd says:
Purple, because ice cream has no bones
28:06:42:12 says:
LMAO

Yours Maniacally.

2008-06-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

I Can't Say What I Want To
Even If I'm Not Serious
I Can't Say What I Want To
Even If I'm Just Kidding
Things Like...
Go Fuck Yourself
Go Fuck Yourself
You Piece Of Shit
Why Don't You Just Go And Kill Yourself?

...I'm Just Kidding.

Well.
What is there to say about today?
Of course, not much. Nothing's happened yet.
As for the past few days, there really isn't much to say, either. The most eventful day of this past week was Thursday. I was granted a day off from work, and in that day my last name was changed from White to Brown. I also got my ears pierced again and they're still a bit sore.
As for the name change it was nothing spectacular, but was all at the same time. We went to the courthouse here in our tiny town sometime around 9 in the morning and after maybe a 45 minute wait, were seen by the judge. He simply asked a few questions regarding Keith's involvement in my life recently, IE-none, and asked me if the change was what I wanted. I nodded, the paper was signed, and my name was changed. After years of trying to have that small thing accomplished, it was done. Not thinking too much of it, I went to turn with my parents to leave the room and I noticed my dad was crying.
As angry, disappointed, or confused as I have seen that man before, the one thing I have never seen him do in front of me is cry.
I suppose we discover new things every day.

That aside, I'm sitting here with a glass of Merlot, finding ways of killing time. I should probably be doing something slightly more constructive than sitting on my ass considering I just had a seventeen hour nap after getting off work. My entire yesterday is gone. My summer seems to be getting sucked away like that a lot with hours of 4am to 1pm on my new job. The manager at Jack's doesn't seem to understand that we need more people to work the deli than what we have. Instead, she works the living hell out of the few that are there. Especially now, seeing as two of the limited employees we have left and two more may be following. If they do, I'm leaving another job. I need to go ahead and look for an application at O'Reilly's Auto. They pay better anyway.

Tomorrow I will be meeting the infamous Devin, my Kelso's little lover-boy.
If he's a moron, he'll be going back to faggot country (California) without his testicles. If not, I will be helping Kelso compile a scheme to allow them some time together without the prying eyes of her parents. She is only seeing him this once, after all. I'm wondering how she's feeling about this impending meeting. I can envision her spazzing right about now. How cute.
I can only hope that things go as planned and she's left with a memorable time.

In the meantime, I'm going to find some other way to kill time.
I may update at a later time when I'm not working or sleeping.

Yours Maniacally.

2008-06-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

Judas

Marilyn tripped out of the elevator, drunk. She fumbled in her pocket to find her room key as she walked to the end of the hall and pressed herself against the hotel door, and after what felt like a spinning eternity, found it. When she shoved it violently into the card slot and slapped the handle downward, the door gave way beneath her weight, causing her to stumble awkwardly into her room. She expected to be welcomed by consuming darkness as the door slowly closed behind her, but as the lock slid into place with a deafening click, she noticed that her quarters remained lit by a faint light, its source residing out of view on the other side of the room. The hair on the back of her neck rose and her muscles coiled as she padded to the end of the small hallway, trying to sense an intruder through her stupor. After a moment she could feel a slow energy emanating from where the light was being cast, yet there was no trace of living blood or the sound of a beating heart to be detected. Growing frustrated, she turned the corner with teeth bared.

She intended to approach and make a fast kill, but what she saw when she stepped into view made her freeze. At the foot of her bed sat a young man who seemed to be just entering the age of twenty. He wore only a shimmering silver cloth that wrapped loosely about his slender body, the ends of it hanging suspended in the air about him as though held up by invisible threads. His skin was the purest shimmering white, or so Marilyn thought until she realized that it was the glow that was dispersed from his body that caused him to appear that way, and was also what was bathing the room in soft light. He was completely bald with a pair of aviator goggles perched just above his forehead, their black lenses winking in the light. The cloth about him shifted gently in the air as he slowly looked up from the floor, his expression being one of an intoxicated lover. He had full, beautiful lips that sat half-parted as he met Marilyn with a pair of sapphires beneath heavy lids, long black lashes framing them. His mouth closed, then curled into a small grin before he said lazily, “I've been waiting for you.”

His voice caused Marilyn to shiver as it slid over her mind. It was a smooth tenor tone with a hint of warmth, and it seemed to coming from all directions as though the room spoke and echoed with him. She shook it off, bristling.

“Who the fuck are you?”

She watched warily as the man stood from the bed, his feet never touching the floor. He levitated, the cloth shifting with him like a living thing, continuously concealing his extremities as he moved. He then placed a hand over his chest, smiling.

“Me? I'm an angel.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Here we have the introduction of one of my favorite characters in the book I am attempting to write: Judas.
He happens to be one of the most intriguing characters of "The Waverly" because, as Marilyn's insanity progresses, his role and character become more and more questionable.
There are events and things that are discussed between Judas and Marilyn that can lead one to question whether he is simply a figment of Marilyn's impending mental decay, or if he truly exists. The question is also raised as to why he is there, whether it is to try and be a guide for Marilyn to make her way to her demise as peacefully as possible, to serve as a defense mechanism in her own mind to have a "friend" to share her fears with, or if he appears in order to speed the process and provoke her into chaos. Hence his name: The Angel, Judas.
He is a walking, or floating contradiction.

2008-06-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

Lateralus

Black and white are all I see in my infancy.
Red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me,
Lets me see.
As below, so above, and beyond I imagine
Drawn beyond the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

Black and white are all I see in my infancy.
Red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me,
Lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite
possibilities.
As below, so above, and beyond I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition leaving all these opportunities behind.

Feed my will to feel this moment urging me to cross the line.
Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be human.

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.

Spiral out. Keep going.

2008-05-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

I Am A Worm Before I Am A Man
I Was A Creature Before I Could Stand
I Will Remember Before I Forget
Before I Forget This

No "Goodbye?"

2008-05-07T22:44:00.000-07:00

What's That Coming Over The Hill?
Is It A Monster?
Is It A Monster?

Today is my birthday.
At six this morning, or some other completely random time today, I turned eighteen.
I is old.
Respect your elders, you gargantuan fackoo.

2008-04-29T00:14:00.000-07:00

Without You
Without You Everything Falls Apart
Without You
It's Not As Much Fun To Pick Up The Pieces

I realized something today.
Actually, I realized it a long time ago, but I found that I at least had to try and heal the things I've broken in the people around me.
I've apologized where I knew I was wrong, I've placed bandages over the wounds I've made on the skin in hopes they'll go back to normal, though I know it isn't quite possible.
I've even attempted to make things workable.
Tonight, it was proven to me that my will to renew these things no longer exists. I can actually say that I looked you in the face, and while I felt apologetic for the things I knew I was wrong in and missed you, I could only see how worthless you've become.
I just had to find that out, had to make sure.

It worked.

I'm not even that sad about it, which proves that though I may have thought more of you than you deserved, you are human and untouchable just like anyone else I have encountered. I can turn you off like a switch. Like everything else.

I could tell you this to your face, but it is not out of cowardice that I don't. I just don't see the point in destroying things any further when there is no real need. I see no need in wasting any more effort when you can take care of it yourself.

For now, I am doing what I must.
I am trying to contort my priorities back into proper order, and trying to do things that I couldn't manage before.
I'm trying to make a difference in my grades.
I'm trying to make a difference in where I could possibly be going in the next few months.
I'm trying to make a difference in that 85%.
I want to sacrifice everything I have, and everything that I don't.
What is disappointing is that I can't do it faster.
What is disappointing is that I can't promise that I will ever stop being afraid.
What frightens me is that I still fear that I may not be enough.
What frightens me is that in an attempt to solidify my future, I may instead cause it to collapse.
What frightens me is your past, mocking me.
A smiling, real, breathing thing that I wish I could just shut out.
That haunts me more than you may ever know.

The tightening of my own skin isn't helping matters any. It causes me to itch with everything I come into contact with, and it pulls inward making my fears surround me and causing me to feel incredibly claustrophobic.
I know that there is something wrong on my end when I can barely hold the one I love close to me without crying.
It is all me.
It is me.
Yet for some reason that fact doesn't make it any more tolerable. If anything I am confronted with the knowledge that I lack the self control to stop.
None of this is very comforting.

2008-04-19T04:05:00.000-07:00

I Ate Your Horse

So little time.
So little money.
A lack of inspiration.
A loss of all things tangible.

And no real will to repair.

When some things feel so incredibly hopeless, I can't help but find myself curled into a corner and pushing away from everyone and everything.
I keep hold of one person, my anchor, my everything.
It seems that once I have what I have truly been looking for, everything else crumbles.
I know in my mind what I want, but there are times when one often loses focus of a true desire for what has been thrown violently in front of them.
From the things that I put up with on a daily basis, I find my only solace in one person, one day, one week.
In the meantime I sit and watch a wasteland.
I see all of the things I have ever built,
All of the people I have ever found company in,
And I see it decay.
I know that in the end it doesn't matter. What does is what has been learned or gained in some aspect of the experience and to continue to build because old things eventaully collapse.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Only one thing, one person, one motive, truly matters anymore.
I just can't help but find myself being entertained by the simple frivolties of watching my present annihilate itself as I walk towards my future.
There are those things that still bother me as far as my future and what I am making my way towards.
Fear of relapse.
The itch of another person's presence constantly at the back of my mind, even though it should be dead.
I notice that a lot of these things are me, but some are founded.
Regardless, the simple fact that I let them get to me, allow them to get under my skin...
It proves that I still need kerosene to pour over what has been festering for so long, or at least a flame to set it alight.
It proves that I still have some walking,
That I still have some growing to do
Before I can rid myself of this skin that itches me so.

2008-04-06T14:16:00.000-07:00

I'm Not Gonna Be The One That Kills You
I'm Gonna Leave That Up To You

Tired.
As.
Hell.

Been working on my story, prodding it along, bit by bit. First chapter is almost finished. It's taken what, over a month?
Ridiculous, but it doesn't seem to be wanting to creep out any faster than that.
Spring break is over, and it was... okay.
I got to spend some time with Kelso, and work. The end.
There were many other things that I would have liked to do...
Well, not that many more things. Just one in particular...
Either way, they were inhibited by my work schedule.
I find it completely idiotic that I have been forced to work all through my break, yet next week I only have two days.

Go figure.

As someone special always says: "That is life."
It's just a little too true.

2008-03-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

In This Exchange I Often Touch Myself
To Go Ahead And Let Those Dirty Words Pass Right Through Me
Just Passing Through
Not Stopping By
Not Saying Hi
Girl You Can't Kill A Liar

I sit back and think, and I wonder why I am so anxious to get out of my home, my town, and away from almost everything that happens to be surrounding me.
It all becomes so depressingly clear when I do so and begin to realize that it is because I have nearly nothing of what I started with. Then I remember that I came here with nothing, so I suppose I will be leaving with almost as much.
I do not mean to imply that there will not be people to miss. I only mean that they are not a part of this place as far as I am concerned, and there will not be half as many as I thought. Again, I am finding who my true friends are.
One has become a leech, one doesn't have a concern for me anymore, and the others... I suppose I never really knew them in the first place. I have a few that -although their presence is scarce- still care and try to understand the things I do and feel.
I will miss them when I am finally out of here.
However, they aren't enough to stifle my desire to remove myself from this place as soon as I possibly can. For that I'm sorry, but it is truth.
The only things I want to do is to get my work out of the way, publish a book, and get the hell out.
I only wish things were easier in the meantime, and that I could possibly get my shit together without falling apart when I go to pick up the last few scattered bits. I keep telling myself, "In due time, in due time..."
It just feels like any amount of time takes forever, crawling up my skin and down my throat like some parasite that I can't cough up. It itches, and I can't sit still. I've inadvertently been causing physical damage to myself as well, simply because I am letting my stress get the better of me.
So maybe it is possible that losing so many is a good thing.
It gives me time to concentrate on the more important things, and I already have all I could need, anyway.

Yours Maniacally.

2008-02-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

You Don't Want To Hurt Me
But See How Deep The Bullet Lies
Unaware That I'm Tearing You Asunder
There's A Thunder In Our Hearts, Baby
So Much Hate For The Ones We Love?
Tell Me, We Both Matter, Don't We?

I find myself at home, alone.
There's music playing loud enough that I can feel the floor vibrating with it.

I do this because it helps block out the incessant little prick in the side of my mind that reminds me that of all the things I can escape, I am not one of them.

I suppose it can be a good thing in a cruel and unusual way because, even though I don't want to hear it, I am made aware of the worst possible scenarios.

"it's just going to happen again. just slower."

"what are you throwing away?"

"how cruel can you be?"

"you know you're just killing yourself, right?"

"you just want everything."

"maybe he doesn't mean a word of it."

"you're an idiot. plain and simple."

"you love him."

"it's inevitable."

"how many times will history repeat itself?"

"maybe he's really trying."

"what will you do once it happens again?"

"didn't i tell you? weak."

Despite all of these things clattering around in my skull and creating the most incessant and depressing orchestra of bullshit I have ever heard, I do hear one thing over everything else:

I may be a fool, and I may just end up getting hurt again... But I am a fool that is in love, and to just to have that tiny piece of happiness back, it's worth it.

It's the very thing that has caused me to walk back into this without doubt in my mind.
I just can't help but be a bit paranoid from time to time.

...Or all the time.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2008-02-14T21:28:00.000-08:00

Hush, It's Okay
Dry Your Eyes
Soul Mate Dry Your Eyes
Cause Soul Mates Never Die

And things begin to take a turn in another direction.
Twisting paths break, and decisions are made.
Tears are shed,
Hearts are broken,
Hearts are slowly mended.

As the confusion never ceases to grow...
The same applies for love and strength.

Happy Valentine's, everyone.

Yours Maniacally.

2008-02-04T21:48:00.000-08:00

Let Me Help You Tie The Rope Around Your Neck
Let Me Help You Talk Your Own Way Off The Ledge
Let Me Help You Hold The Glock Against Your Head
Let Me Help You Chain The Weights Onto Your Legs

Dumbstruck,
With my insides unfurled...

I am a fool.

Yours Maniacally.

2008-01-30T20:44:00.000-08:00

Dig Deeper, Remember
All You've Been
And All You've Left Behind
Wave Goodbye, My Dear

One day, I opened a message.
And He spoke.

What's that?
Third chance?
Afraid of losing me?

Too late.

You lost me when you told me that you refused to wait.
You refused to wait, when that was all I have ever done for you.

I believe you're only talking to me because you want a place to bury your head.
Because you're out of options.
I don't like to be looked at as a last resort for anything.
I honestly don't know what to think, but what is going through my mind isn't too pleasant.

I don't trust you.
At all.

You let your fear, your ego, and your greed get in the way of the things that are most important, and ultimately it destroys everything.

It already has.

I still love you, too, despite your bullshit.

One more reason among so many others to simply push you away.
I have never been so hurt by anyone or anything, and I refuse to simply set myself up to be trashed for a third time.

Yes, I think you're absolutely insane for even asking to come anywhere near me.
I think you're desperate.
I think you'll just give up again.

For some reason however, which probably makes me the stupidest living creature to ever exist, I will talk to you and at least hear you out.
The stipulation is that you have to come out here and show your face.
You come here for once, and face me like you've failed to do before.
I'm tired of your running.

Yours Maniacally.

2008-01-06T14:33:00.000-08:00

Do You Ever See Outside Your Fears
Thinking About Your Life
Thinking About Your Inner Fears

A few things have changed.

As if it weren't obvious.

I have a job.
With my last paycheck I spent $100 dollars on a painting I've been looking at for the past two months. It hangs over the head of my bed. Worth every damn penny.

I also have a cell phone.
I go by prepaid so I don't have to pay a steep rate every month. If I don't have the money to pay for minutes, I simply wait until I do instead of having a steadily increasing bill.

I got a haircut.
It has to be the most drastic thing I have ever willingly done with my hair. I actually like it though. I'm happy to not just have it laying limp on my face. From what others have said, they like it as well, so that's a plus.

I have found new company.
Five people worth of new company, to be exact. I have come to realize that the times when I am drowning the most, I find the most friends. Not only do I have the ones that I keep closest, but they seem to be accumulating faster than I realized. I honestly believe that to be the only comfort and reason I haven't just buried myself. Despite all of the bullshit, I know that I have people who love me.

I believe that is what counts the most.

Anyway, I must be off to be a burger slave yet again.
Bringing in the bucks with my drink making skillzzz, yeah.

Yours Maniacally.

2008-01-03T01:23:00.000-08:00

You're A Stranger, So
What Do I Care?
Vanished Today,
Not The First Time I Hear

Yes, I will live.
There is no sense in mourning to death over something that does not mourn itself.
I will continue to walk, and maybe leave these things behind, along with the enormous piece he has taken with him.
I know it's gone, but apparently I can live without it. I just feel and incredible loss from time to time now. I guess it's just the price I have to pay. I knew nothing could stay perfect forever.

It makes me wonder what happened to the person that I fell in love with. The one who told me that he wouldn't walk away from me again. Not this person who is cutting me loose because of his desire to 'enjoy himself'. Because I am inadequate when it comes to his desire for company or sexual activity.

I do feel somewhat relieved now, however. Not only was I given closure, but the fact that he would let his greed overtake anything he may have felt has been the final push I have needed. I know that I shouldn't waste my time on a dead cause, and so I am leaving it alone.

I only wish these things hadn't happened so violently. The dream I had the night after he walked away of him having sex with a girl I didn't recognize was something I would have never wanted to see. The worst part of it, however, is that fact that I soon found out who she was because I found her face staring back at me from his number one, with the name "Kat".

Sometimes I wish I didn't have a need for sleep at all. Maybe then I would stop seeing these things. When it was my own future, it was a little easier to handle.

I sometimes wonder if our paths will cross again, if there will be something significant between the two of us somewhere in the distant future. Sometimes I get the feeling that there will be, but only time will tell. I also get a strange feeling that he will be married by the time I come back from my services in the Air Force.

Again, only time will tell.

I only hope that he is satisfied with his decisions.
I still have my own to make, but I am already headed in that direction. I know that I have so many things to take with me now, so many memories and things to hold close, and yet so many things that I have to leave behind.

Maybe someday I will be able to look back on all of this and smile. For now, I can only try.

2007-12-25T17:27:00.000-08:00

Someday, We're Gonna Rise Up On That Wind
You Know, Someday We're Gonna Dance With Those
Liars
Someday, We're Gonna Break All These Chains
We're Gonna Keep On
Flyin

I haven't found closure...
But I believe that I may be beginning to accept the fact that a very large portion of my life, of my heart, is gone.
It is still to hard to think about, because my chest still locks hard enough that I could scream, but I don't think that is something that will go away with much ease. I don't think I will ever stop feeing the loss, and crying myself to sleep has become a typical occurrence.
The one thing that I have found though, that at least supplies a tiny bit of comfort, despite the fact that it still causes tears to fall, are the memories.
I remember crouching over him as he lay back on my bed smiling, and just kneeling down and holding on to him. The smile on his face, the smell of his skin...
Falling asleep to his heartbeat, and just the sheer warmth of his arm over my shoulders or my waist...
The tiny kisses he'd plant on my head when he hugged me...
And when he'd kiss me as if he thought I would disappear...
But I think the thing I miss the most is his smile.
When he smiled for me, it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.

...Yeah, I miss that.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-12-23T01:19:00.000-08:00

Your Feelings
I Can't Help But Rape Them
I'm Sorry
I Don't Feel The Same
My Heart Inside
Is Constantly Hating
I'm Sorry
I Just Throw You Away

At first I cried.
And I still do.
But then I got angry.
I stayed that way for a little while, until I realized that it was just because I would rather scream than cry.
Then I found that, like when amongst the stars, no one can hear me scream anyway.
I still cry.
Even when there are the tiniest moments when I think I can be alone in silence for more than five minutes without being torn apart by my own thoughts.
That's when I do it the most.
I never thought that a song from you could tear at my heart with every singular note it produces.

My hair has been falling out.
There are times when I shake uncontrollably.
I can't eat.
The very thought, smell, or sight of food makes me wretch and often expel what little acid is in my stomach.
I often find that I am seeing things that aren't there.
I try sleep to avoid being coherent, but never find rest nor solace.

I am afraid that I may be slowly, gradually, killing myself.

Even knowing this, I can't seem to bring myself to stop.

I'm tired of fighting when the effort I make is useless.
I'm tired of running after something that is already too far gone.
I'm tired of feeling my lungs expand and crack as though there is a hollow every time I inhale.
I'm just...

Tired.

So very tired.

There is no reason, there is no worth. You have stepped away from me, and I can't feel your love anymore.

I love you still, with whatever remains.
For that, I apologize.

2007-12-22T02:23:00.000-08:00

Hey It's Okay
My Life Has Never Been A Bed Of Roses

You're so full of yourself right now...

Someone should shoot you down.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-12-20T22:31:00.000-08:00

We All Have A Weakness
But Some Of Ours Are Easier To Identify

I'm shaking.
I can't stop.

At first, I would have said that I regretted nothing.
To be honest, there is still a lot that I do not regret, or would not do over.
There is, however, the fact that I have been used.

You had been planning this for a long time.
I saw that.

What still makes me wonder though is why I even bothered to let it pass and think that it could get better.
Because I cared, maybe?
Because it meant more to me than to just throw it away?

Apparently it meant nothing to you by that point.

And you lied to me.

I let you do it, too. You threw so many obvious things in my direction...
I feel like a fucking idiot.

I still can't believe that this is what it took for me to realize how much of a coward you are, how selfish you can be.

I loved you.
You threw me away.

I loved you.
You lied to me.

I loved you.
You hid.

I am only hoping that the girl that seems to trust you doesn't get the same treatment I, or any of the others, got. To be tossed aside when something easier or more appealing came along.

Remember, don't make promises you can't keep.

I feel used, inadequate, angry, devoured.
I now realize how much of an idiot I was to ever trust you, to open up to you, to love you. Not when you threw me away like everyone else has, like I told you that you eventually would.
It hasn't been only me, either.
Somewhere in my chest, there is a hollow spot... Just for you. I still don't understand why, nor do I want to; I only intend to fill it with whatever I can find. Dirt, blood, sleep, it doesn't matter.

I only know that I refuse to let myself feel any more anguish over someone who no longer cares. I refuse to let myself rot when to you, it makes no difference.

There are some things I need to burn.
Photographs, clothing... Bridges.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-12-15T20:47:00.000-08:00

Thank You For Making Me Feel Like I Am Guilty
Making It Easy To Murder Your Sweet Memory

I realize now that if it means no more to you than that, then it isn't worth it.
I just seem to have realized it a little too late, because I have already made scars.
Don't bother finding me.
It's not like you have been doing that anyway.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-12-11T22:55:00.000-08:00

Eaten Up Inside

I'll die smiling
Something the past
Someone said to me will
Make me laugh
And I'll lay back and fade away

Let me go I'll be fine
Frozen here in time
Sick of being alive

Eaten up inside

Let me die
Go away
I never got what I wanted
I never got what I needed
What's on my mind
Who can say?
It's my invention I'm feeding
I cannot stop all this bleeding

I'll be ready
Give me the morphine and I'll go to sleep
As I dream maybe I will just slide away

Let me go I'll be fine
Frozen here in time
Sick of being alive

Eaten up inside

Let me die
Go away
I never got what I wanted
I never got what I needed
What's on my mind
Who can say?
It's my invention I'm feeding
I cannot stop all this bleeding

Eaten up inside

----------------------------------------

I will make a line...
For each day that I do not see your face.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-12-03T22:39:00.000-08:00

Is There No World For Tomorrow
If We Wait For Today?

Fracture...
Tiny, dripping, hairline fractures...
Stitches split, and a flood.

I think I can hear my own heart breaking.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-12-02T20:52:00.000-08:00

Alone This Holiday

I wish I knew what to do with living...
And those who are closest me...
And those not so close...
And myself.

I sit and wonder what I've been looking at. I wonder if I could just try hard enough to see, maybe I could make sense of it all, and maybe find a shape.
If I tried hard enough, I could hear the thoughts and actions, and maybe be able to decipher something from it. Maybe make it into something useful.

I then sit and wonder if it is just me that doesn't understand.
I wonder if I am trying to catch something that is already long gone, forgetting.
Forgetting me.
Or if it is just I that have forgotten myself.

I wonder, I think, I hope, I question, I doubt.
And then, nothing.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-11-28T22:12:00.000-08:00

Lonely Once The Drugs Are Done
And I Feel Like Dying
I Feel Like Dying

It's times like these, that I begin to realize how pointless so many things are.
How insignificant the things I do on a daily basis are.
When I come home, do nothing, and find myself alone with absolutely nothing to do, and no one to talk to.
Times like these when I realize that two close (and one being incredibly vital) parts of my life are farther away from me than I would like them to be...
And I realize there isn't a damn thing for me to do about it right now.

I usually refrain from letting the cobwebs clear and making these things focal points for my thoughts because I know that I only confront myself with my own futility. When it gets so quiet though, all I can hear is the static in the back of my mind, and it is given time to become clarified and manifest into solid concepts.
Solid, cold concepts, and they make my ribs strain.

I miss you, Raymond, if you ever read this anymore.

I miss you, Aaron, and the same goes to you.

I wish that there was some way for me to uproot every tiny strand of what is keeping me here, and simply go where you go, both of you.

Raymond, I wish I had your heartbeat to hear before I went to sleep at night.
I wish I could be there for you more than I am.

Aaron, I wish I had your smile to see and your laugh to hear when we find stupid things to joke about.
I wish I could see all of the wonderful things you are probably doing right now.

And I wish I had some way to forget that you are so far away from me.

I love you.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-11-27T23:19:00.000-08:00

It's Too Late To Apologize
It's Too Late...

Long damn survey filled out for Kelso.

What is your name?: Abigail
Are you named after anyone?: From the Bible >_>
What's your screename?: hangingangel07
Would you name a child of yours after you?: No. I'm a little more creative than that.
If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: Adam
If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: I'd keep my name
Are there any mispronunciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: YES. Abbey, or Abbie... It's just Abby, or to make it easy, AbZ.
Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: If I were married, no. If it were what it is now, yes.

Basics
Your gender:: Female
Straight/Gay/Bi:: Straight
Single?: No
If not, do you want to be?: No
Birthdate:: May 7th
Your age:: 17
Age you act:: 19
Age you wish you were:: 23
Your height:: 5'4
Eye color:: Right: blue, Left: hazel
Happy with it?: Yes
Hair color:: Ash brown
Happy with it?: Yes
Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:: Right
Your living arrangement:: Mom, Dad, LOTS of cats, horses, chickens, a dog, my snake
Your family:: I love them
Have any pets?: Cats and Lestat. I want to get some of those really ugly black goldfish SO bad.
Whats your job?: McDonald's
Piercings?: Ears
Tattoos?: Considering
Obsessions?: Him
Do you speak another language?: A little Spanish
Have a favorite quote?: Nothing good comes from staying with ordinary people.
Do you have a webpage?: Yes. Here, myspace, DA

Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it
Do you live in the moment?: Most of the time, yes
Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: Yes
Do you have any secrets?: Yes
Do you hate yourself?: From time to time
Do you like your handwriting?: Yeah, it's all scribbly
Do you have any bad habits?: Nail biting, self-destructive tendencies, wandering off in mid-sentence
What is the compliment you get from most people?: I love your hair
If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: This Side Of Chaotic
What's your biggest fear?: Being unwanted, unloved, unappreciated. Not being good enough.
Can you sing?: I've been told that I can
Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: Nope.
Are you a loner?: Not so much anymore
What are your 1st priorities in life?: Survive, and make it worthwhile
If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: Probably, either that or we would hate each other.
Are you a daredevil?: From time to time.
Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: I have a fear of losing my mind. I hate my paranoia.
Are you passive or aggressive?: Usually aggressive, but I can be both
Do you have a journal?: You're reading it.
What is your greatest strength and weakness?: Strength: I stand for my beliefs. Weakness: I doubt my self-worth
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: Nothing that I think would be effective.
Do you think you are emotionally strong?: In almost everything, except when it comes to dealing with Raymond.
Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: No. Regret is pointless.
Do you think life has been good so far?: Well, I'm not dead yet so I guess that's a yes.
What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: To give people a chance to be understood, and to hold my tongue.
What do you like the most about your body?: My eyes
And least?: Stomach
Do you think you are good looking?: Not necessarily good looking, but I know I'm not a troll.
Are you confident?: In many things
What is the fictional character you are most like?: Rein from Resident Evil
Are you perceived wrongly?: More often than not

Do You...
Smoke?: No
Do drugs?: No
Read the newspaper?: No.
Pray?: No
Go to church?: No
Talk to strangers who IM you?: Rarely
Sleep with stuffed animals?: No
Take walks in the rain?: Yes
Talk to people even though you hate them?: Not unless it's needed
Drive?: Yes
Like to drive fast?: YES

Have You Ever?
Liked your voice?: No
Hurt yourself?: Yes
Been out of the country?: No
Eaten something that made other people sick?: Raw oysters
Been in love?: Indeed
Done drugs?: Yes
Gone skinny dipping?: Yes
Had a medical emergency?: Yes
Had surgery?: No
Ran away from home?: Yes
Played strip poker?: No
Gotten beaten up?: Yes
Beaten someone up?: Yes
Been picked on?: Very much
Been on stage?: Yes
Slept outdoors?: Yes
Thought about suicide?: Yes, and attempted
Pulled an all nighter?: Definitely
If yes, what is your record?: A day and a half
Gone one day without food?: Yeah
Talked on the phone all night?: Yeah, with Josh when I was in 7th grade xD
Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: Yes
Slept all day?: Yeah
Killed someone?: Not yet
Made out with a stranger?: No
Had sex with a stranger?: NO
Thought you're going crazy?: A lot
Kissed the same sex?: Yeah, on a dare
Done anything sexual with the same sex?: No
Been betrayed?: Of course
Had a dream that came true?: Yes, oddly enough
Broken the law?: Yes
Met a famous person?: Semi-famous
Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: Yes
On purpose?: Yes
Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: No
Stolen anything?: Yes
Been on radio/tv?: No, but newspaper
Been in a mosh-pit?: Yes
Had a nervous breakdown?: Yes
Bungee jumped?: Not yet
Had a dream that kept coming back?: Yeah. I kept seeing the same house... Just in different condition in every dream

Beliefs
Belive in life on other planets?: It's possible
Miracles?: No
Astrology?: Sort of
Magic?: A little
God?: I believe in the possibility, but I'm not getting my hopes up
Satan?: No
Santa?: No
Ghosts?: Yes
Luck?: No
Love at first sight?: No
Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: No
Witches?: Wicca, yes
Easter bunny?: No
Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: Yes
Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: No
Do you wish on stars?: No

Deep Theological Questions
Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: No
Do you think God has a gender?: No
Do you believe in organized religion?: No
Where do you think we go when we die?: Wherever we choose.

Friends
Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: Several Bi friends
Who is your bestest best friend?: I have a few
Who's the one person that knows most about you?: Other than my mom, Raymond
What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: Things are only as bad as you make them
Your favourite inside joke?: As of recently, Critmus Cree
Thing you're picked on most about?: Being crazy
Who's your longest known friend?: Kendra
Newest?: Kelso
Shyest?: Becca
Funniest?: Kayla
Sweetest?: Kelso
Closest?: Kayla and Kelso
Weirdest?: Kendra
Smartest?: Becca
Ditziest?: Kayla
Friends you miss being close to the most?: TifA
Last person you talked to online?: Kelso
Who do you talk to most online?: Kelso, Milo
Who are you on the phone with most?: Kayla
Who do you trust most?: Raymond and Kayla
Who listens to your problems?: Kelso, Raymond, Kayla, TifA, Becca
Who do you fight most with?: None of them
Who's the nicest?: Kelso
Who's the most outgoing?: Kayla
Who's the best singer?: Becca and Kelso
Who's on your shit-list?: Marree
Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: Uhh, not that I recall
Who's your second family?: Kelso, Becca
Who's the loudest friend?: TifA
Do you trust others easily?: No
Who's house were you last at?: Kelso's
Name one person who's arms you feel safe in: Raymond
Do your friends know you?: Yes
Friend that lives farthest away: Kendra

Love and All That
Do you consider love a mistake?: No
What do you find romantic?: Close, gentle, physical contact
Turn-on?: Possessiveness
Turn-off?: Being ordered
First kiss?: I consider my first REAL kiss to be from Raymond
If someone you had no interest in had interest in dating you how would you feel?: Sorry for them
Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them: Definitely
Have you ever wished it was more socially acceptable for a girl to ask a guy out: Nope, because I'd do it anyway
Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive: Yes
Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: Rarely
What is best about the opposite sex?: Their physique and the way they move
What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: They're harder to read
What's the last present someone gave you?: 10 bucks from my mom
Are you in love?: Indeed
Do you consider your significant other hot?: YESSS

Who Was the Last Person...
That haunted you?: Myself
You wanted to kill?: Lee
That you laughed at?: Opium
That laughed at you?: Teyana, Becca, Kayla, Opium
That turned you on?: Raymond
You went shopping with?: My mom
That broke your heart?: Raymond
To disappoint you?: Me
To ask you out?: Raymond
To make you cry? Me
To brighten up your day?: Kelso
That you thought about?: Raymond
You saw a movie with?: Raymond and Evan
You talked to on the phone?: Kayla
You talked to through IM/ICQ?: Kelso
You saw?: Dad
You lost?: Myself

Right This Moment..
Are you going out?: No
Will it be with your significant other?: If only...
Or some random person?: No
What are you wearing right now?: Long-sleeved Spitfire shirt and pajama bottoms
Body part you're touching right now:: Knees
What are you worried about right now?: Being caught staying up
What book are you reading?: Nothing right now
What's on your mouse pad?: Green
Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: Nostalgic, sleepy, weary, lonely, loved
Are you bored?: No
Are you tired?: Yes
Are you talking to anyone online?: Kelso and Kem
Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: No
Are you lonely or content?: Lonely
Are you listening to music?: The Sound Of Pulling Heaven Down - Blue October

And finally, I am done.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-11-24T19:28:00.000-08:00

I'll Follow You Into The Dark

Love of mine, someday you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding lights or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "NO"s on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son, fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "NO"s on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me
Have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time to sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The darkest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
They they both are satisfied
Illuminate the "NO"s on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
I'll follow you into the dark
I'll follow you into the dark

--------------------------

Today makes a year...
A solid year that Raymond and I have been together.
Stupidly enough, I can remember every other day for anything important, with the exception of the exact date that we began our relationship again. For that, I decided to make the 'official' date the 25th. Kind of like Christmas...

I know that if you even read this anymore, you are probably laughing, or thinking me odd. It shouldn't be surprising to you anyway. This time of year has become something more to me than holidays though. It has become an incredibly special season.

As for the rest of my holiday... We got three days out of school. We could have had the entire week, like the majority of Houston County schools, but we didn't because of faculty vote. I guess it is better than nothing. Time away from school is always a blessing.

I cooked for Thanksgiving. A LOT. We ate, and I felt like I was going to explode by the end of the night. After dinner, I flew to Raymond's house in my little green van to spend the remainder of Thanksgiving night with Ray and his family. I actually got to stay an extra night, which was nice, aside from the amount of stress it took to do so. I keep telling my parents that they should get cell phones.

Aside from that, the holiday is over. I should be heading to bed soon. I have school tomorrow, and I start my new job at McDonald's. I'm happy because I will be working with people I know, and will have more hours. Unfortunately, I realize that the job will more than likely interfere with my weekends, but as long as I have one every once in a while, I believe I will be able to manage.

I hope.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-10-28T22:36:00.000-07:00

I Want To Be There When You Cry
And When You're Down I'll Help You Fly
I Wanna Be The One You Need
I Wanna Be The One You Breathe

Sometimes, I feel a little lost.
And some times I feel as though you simply tolerate me.
And then, there are times when I wonder what the hell you ever saw in me to make you go to the lengths you have.
There are also times when I want to stay silent. I want to wait, just to see if you'll come find me.
I fall sometimes, just to see if you'll still catch me.

The strangest part, is that even when I feel as though you wouldn't, you do.

-------

This has been a good weekend.
I got all of my things moved and organized in my new room in roughly 8 hours.
I got to spend the rest of the weekend with Ray.

I got home at 4 pm Friday afternoon and started moving my things around 4:30-5:00pm and didn't stop until 12:40am. This was because I had struck the deal with my mom that if I could pull off moving my entire room all in one night, by myself, then I would be able to leave the next morning to go see Raymond. She didn't believe I could do it all in one night, and I wasn't sure if I could either. But I did.

I guess it all goes to show what you can do when you're determined.

The next morning I woke up at 7:00am to go to Ray's house, then he and I, Chad and Rachel, Sabrina and Evan, Jeremy, and two other guys all headed off in three cars to Griffin so the guys could all participate in a card tournament. Raymond had an off day and lost on his second round. The others followed close behind, aside from Chad, who surprisingly enough lasted until he made second place. In the meantime, I talked with Sabrina and Rachel to entertain myself. I hadn't seen Sabrina in some time and had somewhat missed her, so talking to her had been a pleasant experience. After everything was finished, Raymond and I went back to his house.

Waking up next to him in the morning is the most wonderful feeling I could ever imagine. I got to spend most of the day with him today, up until 5:30 because I had to leave and be home before dark. During the time I was there though, there was one point in which I had gone outside to lay on his back porch to stay warm and began to feel extremely nostalgic, missing the time we had lived in Warner Robins and the times when Raymond was still in high school, while things were still so new they nearly stung. It reminded me of when I was young, playing in the overgrown backyard of our old house on Oak Avenue and recalling the light of the sun and the smells of the particular seasons. It made me happy, but also faintly sad. When I came home I felt as though I were somehow out of place, as if I should have still been laying in the sun on the wooden back porch of Ray's house.

I suppose all good things must have their setbacks though. Before I left the house Saturday morning, I found Gray dead in the road and buried him before I left. I am beginning to think that someone has been hitting my cats on purpose, and it makes me sick and irate. I also have school tomorrow, so I will have to go.

I at least have the weekend's positive events to look back on and keep me content in the meantime.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-10-20T01:56:00.000-07:00

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

2007-10-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

I Threw You The Obvious
To See What Occurs Behind The
Eyes Of A Fallen Angel
Eyes Of A Tragedy
Oh Well,
Apparently Nothing
(You Don't See Me At All)

As for the last entry...
As much as I hate broken promises, I won't be giving a very thorough update. Long, possibly, but to most it won't be worth a damn as far as being informative.
I don't think that it really matters at the moment, anyway.
Depending on what happens I may just stop, anyway.

There's really not too much to say about it.
I feel that the things I do are what is ruining everything, even if that's not true. Even if a lot of these things can't be helped. I just keep losing tiny pieces of myself each time these things happen, and it makes me wonder if there will be anything left when it comes time to stitch the pieces back together, or if it will all just detonate in one moment and leave no trace of hope.
I don't even want to touch my sketch pad anymore.
It has nothing to do with this, but I can't bring myself to sing, either. It's like I can't feel the music right now. It's just noise in the background...
I can't even cry right now.
The only thing that I can feel right now is a literal sensation of wind passing through and spreading in my chest. The hole is painful and searing, but everything else just keeps getting colder until I can't feel it anymore. My fingers, my lips, my legs; they're all a slight shade of violet. My head feels as though it would fall from my neck if I could just move fast enough, and my food is making an attempt to claw it's way back up my throat as violently as possible.

That is the only thing that I am afraid of;
That the sensation I am feeling is trying to tell me that he's already turned away, and took what had been in that void with him.

I hope not.
Not for something as meaningless as that.

2007-10-02T16:15:00.000-07:00

Overdose In The Hall Of Fame

I will update as soon as I can.
Expect it to be long.

...Very, very long.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-09-11T02:16:00.000-07:00

And I
I Do Not Dare Deny
The Basic Beast Inside
It's Right Here
It's Controlling My Mind

Gone to Texas, brb.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-09-04T00:50:00.000-07:00

Love Of Mine
Someday You Will Die
But I'll Be Close Behind
I'll Follow You Into The Dark

Well, as for the past few days, not too very much has happened.
I was somewhat happy though to have the company of Teyana this weekend so I would not become bored and allow the urge to kill the dog for his constant racket and the mass of trash he makes in his wake manifest.

I really don't like that dog. The only reason he hasn't just gone missing sometimes is because my mom loves the little runt so much.

Sometimes, he stops spazzing the hell out and will lie down for a while. These occurrences, however, are quite rare, and in the meantime I have the insatiable urge to throw the fuzzy little racket box out into the yard for either yapping until my ears itch or leaving a load in the hall for me to clean because no one else seems to be able to. He also has a horrible habit of gnawing and bothering with the poor cats until they are hoarse from hissing.

Enough ranting about my mom's dog...

I have been making my preparations for the con this year. I am disappointed to say that I will not be geting the latex ear tippings I wanted, or the violet contacts, but I can be happy when I say that my costume is on it's way from China, and my prosthetic fangs should be in the mailbox when I get home. I can't wait for the 21st to arrive, and in the meantime I'll be missing roughly a week from school when we go to see Aaron in Texas the weeks before.

The only thing that I regret is that fact that I am going to have one hell of a time catching up on all of my work.

Other than that, I really haven't done very much. I went swimming yesterday, and will probably go again today. I won't have Teyana's company like I did yesterday, but at least it will give me some time in the quiet to think. I've had a few odd things on my mind lately...

I believe that is all for my update.
TifA, I hope you're happy.
There's one below this for you to read, too.
Who's the slow one now? =p

Yours Maniacally.

2007-09-01T02:33:00.000-07:00

Come Up To Meet You

Tell You I'm Sorry
You Don't Know How Lovely You Are

A few things have happened in the past week or so.

Last Monday I got in a wreck, and this past weekend I went to stay with Ray in Statesboro.

As for the wreck, it's as simple as this. Some dumbass tried to fly into Hardee's without slowing or using a turn signal and had to stop because someone was pulling out in front of him. It left the back end of his Durango in the road, and when I hit the brakes, my car wouldn't stop and I rear-ended him. By law it was my fault, even if it really wasn't, plus the Blazer is history because the repairs would cost more than the vehicle's even worth. I also owe Aaron 8oo dollars for that vehicle and have to pay that off before even considering on getting another car. Things have seemed to turn out in my favor however. I wasn't charged for the accident in the first place, the guy fled the scene of the accident, was driving under a suspended license, and wasn't covered under insurance. The vehicle belonged to his wife, who was uncovered also. They found the guy later, I identified him and so now he's in jail and they are investigating his wife. If all goes well, seeing as these people have so many charges against them, we will probably have to pay nothing and our insurance will remain secure. They have a court date set for September 21st.

During that time I should be in Atlanta with Tiffany, Becca, and her parents at AWA. The week before that my parents and I will be in Texas to watch Aaron graduate from his basic training. I can't wait to see Aaron, but I am nervous about explaining what happened to his vehicle when we see him.

As for this past weekend, I went with Raymond's family to Statesboro in order to pay him a visit. The two days before this had been a bit nerve-wracking, so I was somewhat apprehensive once I was on my way. I did draw a little on the way, which was something I hadn't done since before Summer began. (It has started one hell of a drawing streak, too) I was still somewhat nervous when we arrived and couldn't find much to say. All that I knew though, despite the fact that I was so jittery, was that I wanted to touch him so bad that my hands and arms ached with it. I've missed him so much. I get paranoid sometimes, and have a hard time coping, but I know now that he knows exactly what I feel in those moments, and I have no fear of anger because of a misunderstanding. I don't blame him though, if he became tired with my incessant tumults of the psyche. I become frustrated with them constantly.

As for anything else, I don't know what to say. It is the same occurrences for passing days.
And Tiffany, I made an effort to finish my update so you'll be happy.
<3!

Yours Maniacally.

2007-08-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

I think I'm losing it.

I honestly believe that I am just going to fucking lose it... Just knock myself out and refuse to wake back up.
That would better than what you just said to me.

2007-08-17T23:56:00.000-07:00

I'm Coming Up On Infared
There Is No Running That Can Hide You
Cause I Can See In The Dark

Well, where should I begin?
I watched Raymond drive away to Statesboro last Saturday. While helping him pack his things into his new Ford Fusion that his grandmother gave him as a graduation present, I found myself crying because I knew I would miss him, but it was also because the realization hit me that things as I saw them that day would never be quite the same. A new part of his life was beginning, and the room that we spent so many nights in would no longer hold his belongings. The only thing that would be left for it to hold was the memory. Not to say that many other memories won't be made, but the ones we had made before had come to a close, almost like the end of an era.

In the meantime I have been reading the third book by Stephanie Meyer, Eclipse. I recommend it to those who would enjoy a taste of originality on the vampire front, or would just like a practical romance. However, I would advise that you read Twilight and New Moon first.

As for school, it is fairly easy. The only difficulty that I am really noticing is that as the week progresses and I grow more tired, I find it harder to concentrate on my classes. I'm trying to find a way to work on that...

I still haven't written Aaron, and now I feel extremely guilty. I need to remember to sit down and write him tomorrow when I am finished with his old room. I may even begin working on it tonight.

Speaking of his old room, I have taken it apart completely and over the past two days have applied the base coat and the color base, so now the room is cornflower blue, all with the exception of the windowsills, door casings, and the closet door; they will be a high-gloss white. Tomorrow I intend to go back to it and apply the purple faux glaze for the texturing and design that I've wanted, and I will be finished. dad will sand the floor and paint the casings, windows, etc., install the ceiling fan, and I will be able to begin moving my things in.

As for a job, I hear that Hardee's will be hiring this coming week. Seeing as they are the only place in this hellhole that is hiring, I will try to get a job there. A steady income is money to me, so the tasks required are of little importance as long as I get paid and they do not violate my personal wellbeing.

Aside from those few things, nothing has changed.
Seems like everything though, doesn't it?

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-08-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

There's The Ones That You Love
The Ones That Love You
The Ones That Make You Come
The Ones That Make You Come Unglued

As for a slightly more thorough update...
Aaron is in Texas doing his base training. He left July 31st and flew out to Lackland on the first. We got our first phone call from him the day before yesterday, and so I now have a mailing address to write him. I haven't gotten around to it though, and I feel a little guilty because I have been busy dissecting his room. Hopefully I will have all of my things in there and it can be pronounced 'my room' within the next two weeks or so.

As for other things:
School, unfortunately, has started. I am actually putting forth the effort to obtain at least a B or B+ GPA if I can manage by my senior year. If it's possible, I would like to make it higher. This is because over the past two years I haven't given a shit and have let my grades decline to a dangerous level and barely passing by the skin of my teeth. I look back at it and still don't understand why, but I let it happen because for some time, I felt that there was no point. I was apathetic about everything, not just my school criteria. The worst part is that fact that I am having to force myself to participate as a student and a normal human being in most things because I still haven't shaken that apathy completely. I still cannot understand why.

Speaking of school, Raymond leaves to unpack his belongings in a dorm on the grounds of Georgia Southern tomorrow. It's wonderful, yet also agonizing and somewhat depressing to know that these things are occurring. As I have said before, I am glad that he is doing great things, but I feel as though I am being pulled apart at my seams by the change and distance that has placed itself in the midst of those who are important to me.

I also realize that I have probably undergone some changes, and not for the better. Again, there is the apathy; then there are the times of massive, choking paranoia and moments when I cry without a legitimate reason. I found myself doing it only moments ago, and now I am left disgusted and with a massive headache. I've suggested counseling to my mom, but she's yet to take me seriously on it. Partially, I can't say I blame her, seeing as the last therapist I went to didn't have her shit together and did nothing but worsen my situation. I would like the help, but at the same time I do not want anyone to know some of the things that occur in my mind, because there are things that I believe would be too risky for anyone with the ability to put me in a madhouse to know.

.......

I feel better now though.
It's the strangest thing, but when I found myself stretched out so thin and needed him, he called. It is things like that that amaze me, and make me glad to be around.

I believe that is all for my update.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-08-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

The Shadow Of The Day
Will Embrace The World In Grey
And The Sun Will Set For You

I am only slightly saddened that you no longer talk to me.
I'm not even sure if you make the effort to look at this anymore, either.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-07-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

And Crawling I Position Myself Below Your Broken Wings
I Lift Your Feathered Left Arm Where You Hide Your Heart From Me
I Never Noticed It Was Swollen With A Touch Of Brutal Pain
I Never Knew A Heart Could Live Inside The Rust From All Your Rain

I came home today knowing that this morning may be the last time I got to see Ray in his house with all of his belongings outside of boxes. I went to sleep knowing that things would be so much harder this way, and his opinions may change.
But shit happens for a reason, and whether I like it or not, this turn of events is an inevitability. The best angle for viewing this sort of thing is the one where you realize that it is in his best interest to do so. To make something of himself; even though, in my opinion, he has already done on a massive level. Regardless of whether I even exist for him after those few years, he will be a happier man for it.
My only solace is in knowing that.

I love you, remember that. Also know that I want you to be happy and have all of the things you've ever wanted, even if I cease to be one of them.

2007-07-12T13:18:00.000-07:00

All That Glitters Is Cold

I know I told you that it didn't matter if you talked to her or not, and again, I am not demanding that you don't talk to her. I would just... very much prefer that you didn't.

...I've lost a few night's worth of sleep over it and I'm not sure why.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-07-11T03:12:00.000-07:00

Let Me Apologize To Begin With
Let Me Apologize For What I'm About To Say

I hate times like these.
Anticipating, too scared to breathe.
All for nothing.
Just... nothing.

I hope.

I know I have problems, and I seethe and fear excessively. What I also know is that it is of some importance to me because I am letting it drown me this way.
I just can't fucking BREATHE.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-06-29T13:28:00.000-07:00

And Don't Resent Me
And When You're Feeling Empty
Keep Me In Your Memory
Leave Out All The Rest

Then I remember the things like, "Do you ever wish you could pull someone in so close, beyond close, like absorbing them into yourself?"

Yes, I do.

-Yours Maniacally-

2007-06-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

When My Time Comes
Forget The Wrong That I've Done
And Help Me Leave Behind Some
Reasons To Be Missed

There are times that I feel you have become bored with me.

...

I'm sorry.

-Yours Maniacally-

2007-06-08T23:14:00.000-07:00

Do You Serve A Purpose?
Do You?

It is time again to make another update.
I have been a few places and seen a few things for the past couple of weeks. The first week I stayed with Raymond. The second week, up until yesterday, I was in Florida.

First things first.
The first week was the most enamoring experience I have ever had. The freedom and the closeness that I had in that single week is something that I can never begin to describe fully, and will always remember. I was able to share my time with him as I wanted to, and I got to fall asleep next to the warmth of his skin and the beat of his heart each night. It now feels as though there is an enormous void and a residual feeling of loss each time I go to sleep alone. I also got to spend some time with his family, and I managed to get to know each of them a little better. I am utterly comfortable with his parents. I enjoy the conversations and jokes with his mom, and the quiet intelligence of his dad. His sisters are easy to talk to, and I don't feel awkward around them as though I have to say or do certain things for them to approve. I felt at home for that week, more so than I do in my own house at times.

And so I proceed to the past five days that followed the departure from his house.
Before school ended, I had a friend invite me to go to Florida on a visit to Disney and Sea World for her birthday. I agreed, and so the set date to leave was the day I left Raymond's house. I went simply for the fact that it was an engagement that I had already made, and it was rude to waste her family's money and to disappoint my friend.

Regardless, I didn't want to leave. I did, and I regret it.

The night before I left, I cried. I couldn't help it, but I was at least able to wait until the lights were out so it wasn't so obvious. It has been longer than I can remember since I have felt like crying for leaving a place, and even longer since I actually have. I sat in stifled silence, with the exception of Raymond's air conditioner, with tears streaming nonstop onto my lap. I couldn't bring myself to do anything but stare at his clock while precious minutes slipped away, and think of how stupid I was to be leaving that place. At two that morning, I curled up after not being able to focus on anything for more than seconds at a time, and went to sleep.

We woke up at five thirty that morning to get me to Unadilla within the ridiculous time span that Opium's grandmother had requested, and we brought Evan along with us. I felt guilty to have them waking so early for something that I was doing, not to mention the fact that I felt even worse because -despite their efforts- we didn't even depart until one that afternoon because Opium's gran had to pick up her medicine (Which she was supposed to pick up the day before).

We arrived in Florida at around six Sunday evening, found a hotel, went swimming for a while, and ate. Afterwards, I headed outside to make a call. His voice was all I could concentrate on, and my other senses took a back seat. I simply reveled in Raymond talking while my muscles unwound themselves and the pond in front me blurred into a glittering black mass and the crimson lights of the traffic even farther out began to blend with it. Afterwards I went to bed and had a fitful sleep.

Monday morning I was awakened at eight o' clock in preparation for Disney Land. I despised it. NEVER go to Disney Land. I spent the duration of that day wandering around aimlessly amongst a massive overflow of hyperactive children, bored parents, meandering grandparents, frolicking mannequins, and a few disgruntled teens other than ourselves. The only fortunate event was the fact that I did not have to endure this in the presence of Opium's grandma or her niece and cousin that happened to be on the trip with us because we had gone separate ways. Otherwise I believed I may have gotten arrested for assault. I say this not because I dislike the elderly or small children; I can endure them and sometimes enjoy their company, depending on who they are. I say this because Opium's gran is a rather irritable old woman, not to mention her intolerance of Opium's small hyperactive relatives really didn't improve her demeanor much at all. Opium and I went back to the hotel early and went for a swim. When we got back, her grandmother and the kids weren't to be back for another hour or so, so I made myself a warm bath. I had not been in there for more than fifteen minutes when Amber's grandmother bangs on the door saying, "Hurry up with your business and get out!" Funny, that, because I had believed for a brief moment that I would have some solace, plus I was also in the middle of a conversation with Ray. It was in the bath because I preferred to be at least a little secluded instead of having my conversation in front of an angry grandmother and a pair of nosy and irritatingly inquisitive children. I ended my call, got out and combed my hair. As Opium's grandmother got in the shower, I made a brief call to let him know I wasn't able to talk to him as I wanted to that night. Again, I didn't sleep very well that night.

Tuesday morning I woke up at eight with Amber, to find that her grandmother was gone. We got our things together and were prepared in time for the bus to Sea World as her grandmother had wanted us to be, but she still hadn't returned. We waited for several hours, and after having Lydia call the police to make sure Opium's grandma wasn't dead or in a wreck, she arrives back in a storm. She came in the door angry, saying that she had told Amber that she was going to a "breakfast", and that she never listened to a thing she said. Neither of us remembered her gran mentioning this breakfast. We all endured the rant (Rather gracefully and patiently, I might add. Opium and I were both ready to strangle the woman) and made our way to Sea World. Sea World, I admit, was quite more interesting than Disney. We again separated from Amber's relatives for the trip to my relief. There were animals that I had never seen up close before, and the Kraken. It was one of the most beastly roller coasters I have been on, and it was actually enjoyable. It would have been more so, however, if I had been able to share it with my Lovely. Aside from those small things, I was unable to become very enthused. Afterwards, we all gathered back at the SUV. On our way back to the hotel, we got wrapped around and ended up about forty miles away from where we were supposed to be, which made for a rather long and stressful night. When we finally returned, Opium and I swam for a brief amount of time before going back to the room. After bathing I went outside and made my call. I couldn't find very much to talk about with Ray, which made me feel a bit guilty, but I was glad that I got to hear from him again. I then went back to the room, and by eleven thirty, everyone but me was asleep. I didn't fall until three.

Again, the next morning we awoke at eight, ate breakfast and signed out of the hotel. We then headed to Jacksonville to meet more of Opium's relatives (None of this, by the way, was any of her choice). We stayed at a nicer hotel, while her niece left and stayed with Crissy (The relative) that night and we again went swimming before returning to the room to retire. Amber gave me her phone to use later that night. After everyone else had fallen asleep, I left the room as quietly as possible and went to the courtyard outside of the hotel to make my call. I talked to Raymond for a while before returning to the room, again being as quiet as possible. I don't remember when I fell asleep.

Thursday, we woke up early, signed out of the hotel and went to Crissy's house to pick up Haley (The niece). We had planned to go to the beaches that day before leaving, but Opium's grandmother had decided that she was too tired and wanted to go home. Crissy offered to let her sleep for a while and take us to the beaches while she rested. When we got there, the rule that we were not to go swimming was made, but changed almost as soon as we stepped onto the sand. Walt (The cousin) went into the water before anyone could see to stop him and soaked his shorts by jumping around in it. Seeing as Walt was already wet, Crissy said to go get our bathing suits and go swim. She left briefly to take her six month old son home, and when she returned, Amber's grandma had come with her and she was furious. We left at maybe two that afternoon and the trip back to her house lasted until about six or seven. Aaron came to pick me up, and he got there pretty quickly to my relief. I said goodbye to Amber, got in Aaron's car, and we went home. We happened to have company, but I didn't deal with them much because as soon as I came home, I cleaned my room and myself and went to Aaron's room to call Ray and let him know I was back in one piece. I went to bed as soon as I got off the phone. I was exhausted. I really don't think that I have ever been so relieved to see my own bed.

I now sit here, a day later, keyboard in my lap, congestion in my chest, and happier. My chest rattles when I breathe, and I can hardly hear because of the swelling in my sinuses and behind my ears, but dammit, I'm happier now that I was that entire trip. Tiffany randomly called me this afternoon to take her to see Daniel, and I did. Aaron drove us out, and he got to see a friend of his as well. I got to see Ray (However brief it may have been), and I am extremely happy. I am sad that I couldn't give him more time than I was able to because I felt that he was disappointed, but I was relieved to be able to see his face. I at least got that, because I may not get to see him until next weekend. Hopefully by then, though, I will be able to stay as I did before. I hope, I hope...

With that, I will end my entry. I believe that this is probably by far my longest entry ever deposited into this small section of cyberspace that I own. Not to mention, my left hand is insanely sore because I seemed to have broken the cyst in the back of my hand today, and it has swollen quite a bit and is hurting (I really need to get to a doctor to see about pulling the annoying little bastard out of my wrist). Here's to hoping that my sleep is as good as last night's.
I need it.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-05-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

As Far As I Fall, I'm Beside You
As Lost As I Get, I Will Find You
The Deeper The Wound, I'm Inside You
Forever And Ever I Am A Part Of
You And Me, We're In This Together Now

I feel like the world's biggest fuck-up at the moment. Hooray!

Yours Maniacally.

2007-05-16T19:28:00.000-07:00

You Could Have It All
My Empire Of Dirt

Well I believe it is due time for a slightly more elaborate update, seeing as my past few entries consisted of little more than a few sentences.
Too bad I happen to come into this when I am not in the best of moods.
I'm just a little more than pissed.

Tiffany has established a writing system between herself, Becca, and Kayla. They each write notes to one another pretty frequently. I however, am never written to anymore. Tiffany actually has a notebook for Becca that she keeps just to archive the notes between each other, and she carries it with her, passing it to Becca so she can reply to the note she would have previously written in it and return it.

I actually happened to look through that little notebook in third period, just out of sheer curiosity. In all actuality, I expected to find what I did, because I had found it before in previous notes from last semester. I admit that what I read was depressing regardless. I knew that something was a bit off for a while now because neither of them bother to wait for me in the halls between classes like we used to, and we never really talk or hang out anymore even though I have three classes a day with Tiffany.

I saw things from Becca like, "I just get angry with AbZ sometimes because she's always talking about Ray, and she lies when she says that she doesn't get to ever see him. She should be glad she at least gets to talk to him." Yeah, I know I may talk about that a good deal, but I believe that it is human nature to discuss the things that people may find for themselves important or valuable. I have nothing else to discuss on my own accord anyway, because it is the only worthwhile thing that I am involved with, seeing as I never get invited to spend time with them or even talk with them much when I see either of them at school. Not to mention, she says this in complaint about me, yet I found that in EVERY page of her writing she mentions something about either getting to spend time with Caleb, or missing him, or wanting to date him.
I don't think I need to press that point any further.

Tiffany seems to agree with her, and makes remarks about how whenever I try to talk to her about things, she just doesn't listen anymore. She asked me in fourth period why I wasn't talking, and what was wrong. I had simply decided that I wouldn't talk to her about anything that I found enjoyable, seeing as she didn't care to even listen anymore.

I would have to say that the thing that upsets me and pisses me off the most is not the fact that they feel this way. People can feel and think as they please, whether you like them to or not. The thing that irritates me is the fact that they have been pushing me away and ignoring me without giving me the reason as to why. It's what they say about a dog; It pees on the floor, and instead of yelling and saying, "BAD DOG!" and showing it that it is bad, you simply clean it up without a word and seethe over it later. One day the dog accidentally does it again, and tired of it, you beat the hell out of it and scream at it and take it to the pound. The dog doesn't know what it did wrong, because you never told it that it was bad to piss on the floor. All the dog knows is that the owner that it loved and trusted just whaled on it for no knowledgeable reason.

I feel that, until now, I was the dog. I've been getting pushed away and resented for reason I previously didn't know about, and now that I do know, I find it sad.

To add to my irritation, my computer time has now been limited to only two hours. Dad also made it a point to mention that if I were to get called to do something within the duration of my computer time, then it is time expended. Not only am I losing my friends over stupidity, I am now on a chokehold as far as how much I do get to talk to the ones that I have managed to refrain from irritating.

I'm just glad that I do have what little bit I have managed to retain. Ray, Kayla to talk to during the hours of school and the days that I can't see him, Opium, and what little time I am allowed to converse with them.

But I do think that I can take the time out to bitch once in a while.

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-05-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

She'll Never Cover Up What We Did With Her Dress
She Said, "Kiss Me, It'll Heal But It Won't Forget."

It's my facking birthday, and I am officially seventeen!
One year away from smoking legally and buying porn! Yay!
Too bad smoking sucks and porn is useless! Yay!

I'm happy regardless, and I am thankful for everyone that I hold close. To me, they are the best gift. One, more so than the rest.

I just thought that I would say those few things. Maybe I'll come up with something with a little more depth when I don't have to sleep.

Yours Maniacally.

2007-04-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

"The Bird And The Worm"

He wears his heart safety-pinned to his backpack
His backpack is all that he knows
Shot down by strangers who's glances can cripple
The heart and devour the soul

All alone he turns to stone
While holding his breath half to death
Terrified of what's inside
To save his life
He crawls like a worm from a bird
(All Alone)
Crawls like a worm from a bird

(Just keep walking... Just keep walking... I'm terrified)

Out of his mind the way
Pushes him whispering:
"Must have been out of his mind..."
Midday delusions of pushing this
Out of his head
Make him out of his mind
(Out of his mind)

All alone he turns to stone
While holding his breath half to death
Terrified of what's inside
To save his life
He crawls like a worm
Crawls like a worm from a bird

(All alone) Crawls like a worm from a bird
(All alone) Crawls like a worm from a bird
(All alone) Crawls like a worm, crawls like a worm from a bird

All he knows
If he can't relieve it, it grows
And so it goes
He crawls like a worm
Crawls like a worm from a bird

All alone he's
Holding his breath half to death
Terrified to save his life
He crawls like a worm
Crawls like a worm from a bird

(All alone) Crawls like a worm from a bird
(All alone) Crawls like a worm from a bird
(All alone) Crawls like a worm, crawls like a worm, crawls like a worm from a bird!

2007-04-16T21:28:00.000-07:00

Did I Bother Telling You This,
With Words That Cross Teeth And Jump Lips?
A Poor Choice Of Words In Wanting To Tell You Anything
But Words Don't Come With Ease
They're Forever My Hurt

In the last few moments a thought struck me with an incredible clarity, and for maybe fifteen seconds it made perfect sense.
Sadly within seconds after that clarity things again became obscured and tempestuous as they have always been. What I cannot call back is the many things and thoughts behind that single sentence, or the reasoning that provoked it... What I do know however is that as melancholy as it may be in its deepest meaning, I find consolance with it.

'I Am Losing Nothing But Myself.'

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-04-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

And Now It Seems That I Have Found
Nothing At All
I Want To Hear Your Voice Out Loud
Slow It Down, Slow It Down

I feel like its all fading again...
And I'm scared.

Can you really blame me?

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-04-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

Noises, Noises, People Make Noise
People Make Noises When They're Sick
Nothing To Do Except Hold Onto Nothing

There are so many things that are thrown my way that make me tired on the inside. Sometimes I just want to sleep and waste away for a day or two just to block it all out for a little while. Sometimes, I just want to say forget what I am doing and leave. Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and when I opened them I would find everything over so that I would be able to move on my own free will. But I can't. I can't move at all.

The only thing that makes me open my eyes and keep pushing for the future, however indefinite it may be, is him. He lets me know that I have someone who loves me as much as I do him, and he shows me that there are so many things outside of what I find myself with. It's all just a matter of time before things change and I will be able to move, build for myself and change all of these things to find what's on the outside.

But what I find so discoursing is the lack of that 'time'. I always find myself with too much, and never enough.

I want to make all of the wasted time and pointlessness pass by in a whirling dream, or just close it out altogether. However, when I find something that I enjoy and wish to hold on to is the only time that the hours pass with haste anymore. I find that between relentless hours of wolves with train whistle voices and swimming at 3 in the morning, there are only brief amounts of genuine happiness. These moments are the only things that make the monotony worth enduring, because they make me so happy I could cry. I have found myself close to doing so on a few occasions, but have suppressed the welling of tears in an effort to not worry him with my inability to voice a sensible explanation.

As for other things...

I have to admit that I found myself having one of the shittiest days that I have had to face in some time yesterday. I seem to have my worst days take place within the vicinity of a holiday. Tragically ironic, that. We had family over for Easter, and for the sake of not being a hindrance to the massive crowd we had in the house, Ray and I had stayed in my room. Dad, being the paranoid man that he is, told us to stop being 'glued together' for the sake of appearance for the family for fear that we would do something unforgivable in front of them. Okay, I could understand that, but I grew progressively tired with him after he became angry with me for what he thought was us being all over each other despite his warning. We weren't doing anything of that nature, and I DO have some sense of decency, whether he knows it or not. After being told to get a plate, we said the blessing with the rest of the family and to avoid getting in the way or generating even more of a crowd than what we already had, we stood back in my room to wait for the hall to clear. I realized that I had something on my shoulder, but could not get to it, so Ray helped me. Dad, after passing the doorway and seeing us became angry because he thought we were doing other things and proceeded to call me into the kitchen. He then told me to stay out of my room because I was not going to 'seclude myself while there was a house full of family present'.

For once I would like to be blamed for actually doing something wrong.

In short, the day progressively got more frustrating. Once the family left and the house was again empty, we were actually able to spend some time together in peace, but I suppose it comes at a price. After Ray left with Aaron, the shit hit the fan. To be perfectly honest, I brought the entire discussion to a start on my own. I really hadn't wanted to get into it with my parents, because I despise all of the screaming and frustration involved with these 'discussions', but I suppose something of the sort would have happened eventually regardless. At least during the conversation, I was able to vent out a small portion of my feelings towards the situation. However, whether they had and affect on my parents I am unsure of. These are the things that make me so tired.

I frequently sit at school and home and just wonder, "What in the hell am I doing with my time here?" and other things of the sort. I often wonder when I will be able to get out of here and whether everything I know and love will still be intact. Sometimes I just want to quit, if only for a brief amount of time... but he lets me know that there are things to keep pushing for. I believe it is the only reason I have kept myself going at times like these.

All with due time...

Yours Maniacally.

2007-03-12T23:03:00.000-07:00

Here's The Day You Hoped Would Never Come
Don't Feed Me Violence
Just Run With Me Through Rows Of Speeding Cars
(Its Okay By Me, Its Okay By Me
It's Okay By Me, It Was A Long Time Ago)

It's strange to see the same sky that hung overhead over a year ago, but to also be able to know how much things have changed in that amount of time. From times I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again, or to be able to destroy any memory that I ever held of him to now... to now, where I am glad that I held on to what I did and what I believed in because I have anything I could ever ask for. I never knew it was even possible to feel as strongly for anyone as I do him. There are often times when I look at him and feel as if my heart will burst from how happy I am to just have him there, and to know that at one point in time I thought it was impossible.

I still find myself just touching his face to know that he's there, and that he's still real...

I rest my head on his chest just to hear his heartbeat, to hear him breathe and know it's really not a dream...

It's all there.

My heart breaks every time I see him go, but I find consolation in knowing that he will be able to come back to me in a matter of time. I never believed that the day would ever come that I would be able to know that I am his to come back to, and believe it. I am hoping to see him again in a matter of days...

But in the meantime I find it incredible how terribly I miss him.
Perhaps I'll see him sooner in my dreams...

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-03-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

Leave Your Mark Under My Skin
Oh My, How Strong You Are
And Feast Your Eyes On My Disdain
And Hope This One Won't Scar

Sweet Jesus, I'm hungry O_o

-Yours Maniacally.-

2007-02-19T02:46:00.000-08:00

All Along I Was Searching For My Lenore
In The Words Of Mr. Edgar Allen Poe
Now I'm Sober And "Nevermore"
Will The Raven Come To Bother Me At Home?

It's 2:13 in the morning, which is as good a time as any to update.
I would say it is better to update at at time like this when I have nothing else to concentrate on. We have holiday until Wednesday here in Pulaski County, and fortunately for me, Houston County has all week, meaning I'll have someone to come home to after school. Not that family isn't grand and everything... I think it's understood by this point anyway.

Holiday always makes me wish for Summer vacation. Warm, dark nights with lots of stars, all the sleep (or self-deprivation of sleep) you could ask for and simply the freedom in general. To tell the truth though, I have no real idea what I mean by that. I have no job, no car, thus resulting in a mental detonation by the end of the third week of Summer break. I suppose though that the large amounts of free time is still enjoyable however. I do find it relieving to not have to fret over a bedtime and how much sleep is needed to be managed until the alarm clock screams its usual static melody caught between the news station and nowhere to be functional for the next day.

As for now...
As for now I would have to say that things are pretty nice, although I do wish I could be falling asleep with company. This however, under the tight leash of my parents, is impossible. I don't think that at the moment it would serve a purpose anyway because I somehow cannot manage to become tired. Nor can I seem to get my cheeks to be erased of their crimson shade. They appear to be burned, but how this is I do not know. The only thing that is clear is that they refuse to fade.

But enough about trivial things...

I believe I will go find something time consuming to do until I grow tired, like play Twilight Princess. Ray got it for me as a Valentine's Day gift, and I am enjoying it thoroughly. I wasn't able to manage getting him a gift however because I didn't have the money. I realized today that I could have at least made him a card, but it was far too late.
I feel so neglectful. And stupid.
But he says he loves me anyway.

I have yet to figure out why, but it makes me happy ^_^

-Yours Maniacally.-